I've been thinking about the things that make me me. I have had very distinct moments in the last few months where I didn't feel like anything but a ball of nerve endings, everything either smelled too much or tasted too much or was simply too much. Too much not me. Too much other.
In one of these moments, I was walking from work to the bakery down the street. I needed more snacks, more food and I wasn't prepared for the day because of my food shortage. I had no groceries, no energy to buy groceries and I just wanted some sort of carbie treat to eat. Multiple carbie treats to eat all morning until I could go home and get under the covers with the cat.
On this walk, it was raining, lightly. I had borrowed somebody's umbrella and I was noticing the sound of rain on the umbrella and the sound of my feet in the water. I saw forget-me-nots in a front yard. They were all stretched out the way they do. Stems fragmenting into new stems, looking kind of angular and structured, but then there are these small blue flowers muddling all that straight-laced stem action. I noticed them in the rain. I noticed geraniums in the rain, which are lovely. They are soft-leaved so they hold water on their little hairy leaves like beads. I noticed all these things in the rain and I thought: "This is who I am. Mother or no, I will notice these things." And then I wasn't sure. Would I notice them anymore? So I prayed that I would and I think that I will.
So on these winter days that sometimes feel like Spring I want to stop and see the colors of the sky and water around me. I want to hear birds. I don't want these things to be lost on me. So I will not write a pregnancy blog, although this was a pregnancy post. Of course I hope for this child to be given the same grace that I have been given. The grace of being able to notice, to watch and be touched. But to be able to pass on this gift, if it is a learned gift, I must preserve it and practice it so I can.