Here and There

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"We are young, we run green..."

I've been thinking a lot about this particular memory of Gid and I when we were young(er than we are now). Carefree day on the beach in Capitola, watching the sun set from the little deck of a lifeguard station. Me in some cute Abercrombie and Fitch campshirt and jeans. This was before Abercrombie and Fitch got racist and the catalogs had become (too) racy. They had some really cool things back then.

There's a stark contrast of so many things about today and that day. At first, when this memory popped into my head I was a little sad for it. We were the young couple on the beach. We'll never be the young couple on the beach again. Because I have kids I'll never be as "carefree". Even when the wheel turns again and we're back on the beach, kids grown and gone, it won't be the same. Sitting together, watching the sky, that quiet won't be full of fascination and butterflies. I was looking in my mind at us there and just so nostalgic for that day. Just misty for it.

But I love how that day we didn't know we'd be a family, we didn't know how sweet it would be to depend upon each other instead of date. It's almost too lovely to look at, that day. But it is also marvelous to think about how now: instead of holding my heart closed and opening it to show dazzling glimpses, the way we do when we are getting to know someone we are smitten by, it's all open, it's all there. We know each other, we rely on each other. Less independence, fewer butterflies, more deep quiet water, more true love.

I could also just be reminiscing about wearing jeans. I miss that. But I will wear jeans again... someday.


Kim said...

Reminds me of what Bora said in her sermon about how as we get older, we trade the potential for the actual. It can be bittersweet. I've been reflecting on the "actuals" and "traded potential" of my life lately. A bit bittersweet.

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leiflet said...

Hmmm... what a nice posting.

I was thinking this same thing as we packed up our apartment and moved to a house (we're still renting, so far...) There was something sad about moving out of that simplicity into a house that now has a baby's room, back yard, front yard, piano room, dining room, just so many rooms to clean.

I think my 20s were hard because the older i got, the more i wanted potential and not actual. I think a lot of pain came out of that. So it's been lovely settling into what my life is rather than fixating on what my life could be or could have been.

The longer i know you two, the stronger you seem to me. That's a good part about aging. You'll be an Annie Dillard couple well into your 50s.